The Enlightened Sex Manual by David Deida

“Either you are living as love or you are lost in the drama of your own story to one degree or another.”

Uncover the secrets to both enlightenment and fulfilling intimacy with this groundbreaking guide for adventurous couples. Drawing on decades of training in spiritual and sexual awakening, David Deida presents a comprehensive guide to unlocking the physical, emotional, and spiritual rewards of intimate connection. In “The Enlightened Sex Manual,” you will learn how to transform basic “skin friction” into profound ecstasy, develop sexual abilities as expressions of heartful bliss, explore various types of orgasms, and so much more. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, this manual provides a complete guide for fostering a “whole-body recognition of love’s light” in the wild play of sexuality.

You should by all means read this book for yourself. Below, I have written out my book notes, but I couldn’t cover hundreds of pages in just a couple of bullet points. That is why I highly encourage you to create your notes whilst going through the book, and for the time being use mine as a guide on what this book is about.

For more books check out Best Self-Improvement Books or Best Classic Books, and for a full self-improvement guide, you can also take a look at my Roadmap to Overman.

Book Notes

PART ONE: ENERGY

Infinite love is who we really are and who we refuse to be. This refusal is our most essential tension. This openness of being is all there is and who we are, and yet we stand divided and protected, refusing to trust. Nothing outside of us has the power to limit our capacity to give and receive love. Even though our deepest self wants to open and live as love, our superficial self is afraid. We hold back the spontaneous and powerful expression of love flowing through our bodies. We do this primarily by suppressing our breath.

When you inhale, you are opening yourself and receiving breath and energy into your body. When you exhale, you are letting go and releasing energy. Your inhalation feeds energy down into your genitals. Men who have difficulty getting or maintaining an erection are often weak inhalers. Make sure your inhalations are full and deep. Draw the inhalation down the front of your body, expanding your belly with breath and filling your genitals with the inhaled energy.

If you have trouble postponing ejaculation or participating in sex with deep emotional surrender, then you will want to practice strengthening your exhalation. Allow your exhalations to be long, slow and full, really letting go of all of your breath.

1. Clear your nervous system of kinks.

There can be emotional, physical and mental kinks. When you obstruct your energy flow masculine people tend to strike outwards, while feminine people tend to turn that frustration inwards, abusing themselves through overeating,…

2. Train your nervous system to circulate energy.

Instead of pumping the genitals till they burst, learn to circulate energy throughout the natural circuitry of the whole body. Basic energy circulation:

As energy builds in your genitals during sex, exhale and contract the floor of your pelvis, pulling upward slightly, as if you were trying to stop yourself from urinating. Feel or imagine your sexual energy moving up along the line of your spine into your head as you exhale. Then, as you inhale, draw the energy down the front of your body, so that your belly expands as it fills with energy and breath. Draw the energy all the way down to your genitals and pelvic floor. (At times it is better to inhale energy up your spine and exhale it down your front. In any case, your energy always circulates up your spine).

3. Train your nervous system to sustain high levels of energy.

For many people, being relaxed means being low energy. They feel at ease only when they are depleted of energy. Enlightening your sex involves cultivating the capacity to sustain high energy over long periods of time while remaining relaxed and open. To develop this capacity for sustained high energy, practice plugging your energy leaks and circulating the energy as it builds in your body. Don’t fidget, don’t eat unnecessary snacks, don’t ejaculate or orgasm too often, don’t read books simply due to habits.

4. Circulate the energy to heal and rejuvenate the body and emotions.

Once the internal energy circuits are cleared of major kinks and the energy flows through you in full force, then you can direct your heightened sexual energy for specific healings. Through visualization and intent, you can send energy to your kidneys, liver, lungs, stomach, and other internal organs.

5. Be free consciousness, or love, in the midst of sexual energy.

It is all too easy to get lost in the energy process of sex. Sex is sometimes so pleasurable that you can forget all else. But the primary purpose of enlightened sex is to live as love by recognizing and relaxing into the open, unlimited, aware depth of being that you are, whether you feel good or bad in the present moment. When you feel through all sensation, you feel into the open source of sensation. When you feel through all thoughts, you feel into the open space in which thoughts occur. When you feel through your sexual desire or aversion, you feel into the love that is living as you. The way of the superior lover is about practicing being who you truly are, not about changing yourself.

Your mouth and especially your tongue are very important parts of the natural circuit of sexual energy that flows from your genitals, up your spine, through your head, and back down the front of your body to your pelvic floor. As you practice moving sexual energy in this circular flow, you will notice the significant effects of tongue placement. If you keep the tip of your tongue gently pressed against the roof of your mouth, your internal energy can flow through its complete circuit. If your mouth remains open or your tongue remains apart from the roof of your mouth, the stopped-up energy will tend to fill your head with thoughts, fears, tensions, and fantasies.

During sex you can place your tongue directly on your lover’s body to give and receive energy. Don’t just listen to your lover’s moans and look at how his or her body is moving, but actually learn to feel the flow of your lover’s internal energy.

Your eyes are strong regulators of energy. But if you become fixated, obsessively staring at one part of your partner’s body for too long, then your energy will become fixated. Rather, drink deeply of your partner’s beauty, allowing your gaze to travel all over his or her body, freely, relaxed with great appreciation but no rigid fixation. Relaxed eyes help your energy to be relaxed. If your eyes are moving erratically all over, your thoughts will also move erratically all over. Practice keeping your eyes relaxed, even during the height of sexual stimulation, keep your energy flowing throughout your entire internal circuitry without getting stuck in the tension of your head and face. When you close your eyes, your energy will tend to go inward, which may move you toward fantasy and your own bodily sensations, limiting your capacity to feel into and through your lover. A primary way to use your eyes while making love is to gaze deeply into your partner’s eyes.

If you are ever moved to close your eyes temporarily during sex, you can still use your closed eyes correctly, by focusing your gaze at infinity. This deep gaze will open your attention through the sensations of the moment, relax the tensions of your mind, and foster a deep and free flow of energy through your body.

As you come to orgasm, keep your eyes relaxed and open and continue gazing deeply into each other’s eyes. See and be seen in the midst of orgasm, show your ecstasy and see your partner’s.

Occasionally, during sex, allow your eyes to turn upward, as if you were looking at the center of your forehead. Your eyelids can be open or shut while doing this. As you look up with your eyes while contracting your pelvic floor and exhaling your energy upward along your spine, it is also quite possible that you will feel yourself “leaving your body” out through the top of your head. It will also increase the possibility of upward orgasm of long and deep bliss rather than downward ones of quick release. After this upward ecstasy, always complete the circle by inhaling the energy forcefully back down the front of your body, reengaging full-bodied love play with your partner.

PART TWO: ORGASM

”Orgasms had always felt good to me, they relieved me of sexual tension and left me feeling relaxed. But now I realize that this relaxation was actually depletion. I felt less stressed because I had less energy flowing through me.”

If you are like most people, you are probably reducing love, by focusing on your genitals when they are about to burst for pleasure. So this moment of love becomes reduced to attention on a few square inches of pressure and juice. You try so hard to bypass ejaculation and end up diligently narrowing love into mechanical effort, forgetting to feel your partner, the room, and the entire world.

Love is practiced by noticing the transparent feel through off this moment, by relaxing as the cognizant openness that you are, not by trying to force yourself, to be more loving. Open love is your natural state, unless fear intervenes and stress follows. No amount of technical sexual practice will relieve you of this stress; only the practice of love will cut the roots of fear and undermine your addiction to de-stressing through ejaculation.

Your habits of diet, breath, posture, and mind create an internal turbulence that seeks to be relieved. Your addiction to ejaculation is fueled throughout the day by these stress-creating habits. For most men, becoming a superior lover involves retraining the addiction to ejaculation

Fidgets are mini ejaculations. Thought itself is often a kind of fidget. If you develop the capacity for non-ejaculatory orgasm without also advancing your ability to circulate internal energy, this energy will simply build up in your body and mind. It is important therefore to cultivate your capacity for non-ejaculatory living along with your capacity for non-ejaculatory orgasms. Practice relaxing the body consciously, especially when the symptoms of fidget and fuss begin to unconsciously puppeteer your extremities.

Ejaculating too frequently doesn’t necessarily make you feel bad, just mediocre. It is good to ejaculate when you truly need it, but it shouldn’t be due to stress, but rather because you feel like it’s the right thing to do.

Men and women alike have a tendency to tighten their bodies, hold their breath, and turn their attention inward towards their own sensations during orgasm. Instead, try to relax, breathe, and open out while the energy surges. Continue to relax into and through your orgasm; don’t tighten into spasm-then-release. You may be habituated to holding your breath and tensing your body in order to explode into orgasm. Instead, open your breath and relax. Continuously open out through your orgasm, whether ejaculative or non-ejaculative. Let your openness and love be communicated throughout the entire orgasm.

In general, the amount of semen you release corresponds to the amount of energy you release. By regulating the size of your ejaculation, you can better balance yourself, releasing only the amount of energy you need to release. Eventually, as you practice relaxing your body and breathing fully as ejaculation approaches, your body’s intelligence will automatically determine the correct amount to ejaculate in order to maintain fullness and achieve internal equilibrium.

If your lover wants to feel the energy transmitted through your ejaculation, the most direct way to receive this energy is through physical and energetic absorption of your semen through the lining of your lover’s mouth, anus, or vagina. Even ejaculating onto the skin of your lover’s body allows for more absorption of energy than if you were to ejaculate onto the bedsheets.

Your occasional ejaculation can become a way to optimize and balance your energy as well as your partner’s. When your body needs to, when you can feel that it would be healthy for you – and not simply a spasm of addicted need – then and only then ejaculate, with as much love and open giving as you will allow yourself. In this manner, find the best frequency for your ejaculations, whether once a day or once a year.

Cervical orgasms often require forty-five minutes or even an hour of sexual stimulation. Clitoral and G-spot orgasms may be used as a warm-up, but most of the stimulation should occur deep inside the vagina, near the cervix. Some women find this area of the vagina either without feeling or painful to the touch. In many cases, this cervical numbness or pain is due to emotional tension, sexual trauma, or years of poor lovemaking technique. The same method should be used to relax the cervical area that was described for relaxing the G-spot area. Use very gentle fingertip massage near and around the cervix, and occasionally on the cervical opening itself. Tell your partner to constantly guide you on how much pressure you should use, where to move, should you go faster or slower,…

PART THREE: VARIATIONS

Although the genitals are often called the “sexual organs”, enlightened sex requires the whole body. Pay particular attention to the ears, lips, neck, nipples, belly, anus, perineum, hands, feet, spine. Try pulling off the hair as well, and don’t be repetitive. Do many things that your partner likes, not just one.

During sex. The body’s energy may become stagnant, heavy or stuck. Biting, slapping, and pinching can be used to stimulate energy in the nervous system and rouse a listless or sluggish body into more energetic ecstasy. Feel your partner’s energy flow, and open the blockades with any of the previously mentioned methods.

The lips, nipples, and genitals are connected through an internal circuitry of energy. When making love with your partner, stop moving. Lie motionless with your genitals interlocked with your lover’s, your fingers on one of your lover’s nipples and your lips hovering near your lover’s lips. Feel all three of these areas as if they were connected to one another by an invisible line of energy. Thrust a few times with your genitals and then carefully pinch your lover’s nipples while staying attuned to how your lover’s energy is flowing. Pinch the nipple just hard enough that you can feel your lover’s genitals responding. Then stop pinching and continue thrusting again. You should also incorporate sucking the upper lip of your lover and feeling the response in their genitals.

Also, incorporate a chest and belly contact. Firmly press your body against your lover’s, your chest and belly relaxed and soft. Breathe as if you are breathing your lover’s breath, in synchrony and with great sensitivity. Press your heart tenderly against your lover’s heart, feeling through your heart into your lover’s.

Anus stimulation: lubricate your finger and your partner’s anus with saliva or vaginal fluids (make sure to never touch the vagina after touching the anus). Gently massage the outer surface of your partner’s anus with your finger. When the anus relaxes, insert the tip of your finger slightly to help relax the anus. You can also massage the outer ring of the anus. The purpose of anal stimulation is to help relax the body, release emotional tension, and stimulate energy of the pelvic floor.

Your feet influence your whole body, when your feet are tired, the rest of you feels tired. To give basic foot massage, use your thumbs on the sole of your lover’s foot. Massage gently at first, covering the entire bottom of the foot, as well as the toes. Eventually, increase the pressure so you are massaging quite firmly. Also, massage the areas around the ankle and between the toes, suck the toes, licking in between them. Your lover can give you verbal feedback and let you know what feels good.

Try different combinations of shallow and deep thrusts while making love. In general, especially near the beginning of a lovemaking occasion, shallow thrusts should outnumber deep thrusts. A good rule to follow while you are developing sensitivity is to use about nine shallow thrusts followed by one deep thrust. Once you can actually feel the currents of energy, the numbers will be decided naturally. During the deep thrusts, visualize or feel your penis extending far beyond its actual physical length, to her heart or even up to the top of her head.

Build up a force of sexual energy by using shallow thrusting. Take care that the penis does not contact the cervix. When both partners are filled with sexual energy, then slowly but firmly move so that the head of the penis contacts the cervix. At first, do this with your eyes closed so you can more easily feel the effects. Eventually, keep your eyes open, gazing deeply into your partner’s eyes. Either partner can vibrate so the head of the penis and the cervix quiver against each other increasing the flow of energy between partners. Then, before your feel depleted or bored, separate the penis and the cervix and continue with shallow thrusting.

PART FOUR: EXERCISES

First, practice to develop sensitivity to your internal energy itself, relaxing the body as much as possible. Tension in the body will decrease the flow of energy and mask the subtle currents of flow and movement that you need to feel in order to artfully circulate sexual energy. Breath full and deep. At the beginning, just practice keeping the breath full while you masturbate so you don’t obstruct the energy in your body. As you approach orgasm, you may feel the energy “trying” to flow out your genitals in an orgasmic spasm of release. Instead of allowing the pleasurable release of energy down and out your genital region, you will practice to reverse this flow, from your genitals back and up the spine. So, for now, do not masturbate to the point of orgasm.

When you feel a lot of sexual energy in the genital region, but still long before you would normally have an orgasm, contract your pelvic floor – including the genitals, perineum and anus – and pull upward.

You can also help your partner strengthen his or her practice of inhaling energy down the front of the body. Start with your partner lying on his or her back with knees bent and feet flat just below the navel so that your palm is flat against the flesh. By vibrating your hand slightly or moving In circular motion on the lower belly, help your partner soften and relax the belly. Then, with your hand still gently massaging or vibrating your partner’s belly, guide him or her to inhale and draw breath and energy down the front and into the belly. If you both feel it is appropriate, you can move your hand from the belly to your lover’s genitals.

Another good way to assist your partner in learning to move energy down the front is by using your hands to stroke down the front of your partner’s body from the heart to the lower belly, during sex or at any time.

When you are proficient in moving energy in your own body, practice bouncing energy from your pelvic floor up your partner’s spine. While having sex, draw several slow and full inhalations down the front of your body to accumulate energy in your lower belly and genital region. Then, with a strong exhalation, contract your pelvic floor and, with intention and visualization, bounce the energy through your genitals upward through your partner’s spine. After the energy shoots up your partner’s spine, remember to inhale the descending energy back down your partner’s front. In this way, you complete the entire circle of energy in your partner’s body. You can do a similar thing clothed through any kind of touch or no touch at all, but make sure to use intention and visualization.

Eventually, you and your partner may choose to practice this exercise by simultaneously breathing energy up each other’s spine and breathing energy down each other’s front. This simultaneous practice is particularly effective at loosening deep energetic blocks and restoring natural ease and full flow to the entire circuit of your internal life force.

During the day. Notice if your pelvic floor feels “open”, as if energy were leaking out. If your pelvic floor feels leaky, seal the energetic seepage with several strong contractions.

If you begin to feel tired during the day, you can energize your body by inhaling and bringing energy to your belly, to your genital region, and down to your pelvic floor with several full inhalations. Then you can expand that energy upward throughout your body by contracting your pelvic floor and bouncing the energy upward with an exhalation.