Managing your love relationship

The following text was greatly influenced by the books “Attached” and “The 5 Love Languages”, and I do not wish to take any credit away from the authors.

Attachment theory

Attachment theory designates three main “attachment styles,” or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

The three statements corresponded to the three attachment styles and read as follows:

• • I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me. (Measure of the secure attachment style)
  • I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. (Measure of the avoidant attachment style)
  • I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person and this desire sometimes scares people away. (Measure of the anxious attachment style)

The biological truth

“All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love.” –Baruch Spinoza

Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.

Once we choose a partner, there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does. An elegant coexistence that does not include uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and fear of loss sounds good but is not our biology.

Zooming in on the anxious attachment style

I belong to this group, and for that reason, I wish to highlight the most important things to keep in mind to help other people with the same problem. For anyone else interested in understanding themselves better, I highly recommend you read the book “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller.

This is an important lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style: If you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage. But shoot from the hip, and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself.

You are often consumed with thoughts that have a single purpose: to reestablish closeness with your partner. These thoughts are called activating strategies. Activating strategies are any thoughts or feelings that compel you to get close, physically or emotionally, to your partner. Once he or she responds to you in a way that reestablishes security, you can revert back to your calm, normal self.

What are the factors that determine our attachment style?

The main factors are our parents and our upbringing. Our attachment style reflects the type of love we were getting when we were young. For any additional details on how each of the styles develops in kids, you should read the book yourself.

The main takeaway I want to leave you with is this: “The kind of love and attention you show to your kids will shape the rest of their lives for better or for worse”. If you truly wish the best for them, you should read this book.

The Five Love Languages

For you and your partner to be truly happy in your relationship, you both must understand each other’s love language. The above table consists of 5 love languages and explains each one briefly. They are all self-explanatory, and all you need to do is establish which one corresponds to you and your partner and make sure that both of you understand each other’s needs.