Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss and Tahl Raz

“Everything is a negotiation. If you don’t think that’s true you’ve been loosing it.”

Never Split the Difference takes you inside of Chris Voss’s world of high-stakes negotiations, revealing the nine key principles that helped Voss and his colleagues succeed when it mattered the most – when people’s lives were at stake. Tooted in the real-life experiences of an intelligence professional at the top of his game, Never Split the Difference will give you the competitive edge in any discussion.

You should by all means read this book for yourself. Below, I have written out my book notes, but I couldn’t cover hundreds of pages in just a couple of bullet points. That is why I highly encourage you to create your notes whilst going through the book, and for the time being use mine as a guide on what this book is about.

For more books check out Best Self-Improvement Books or Best Classic Books, and for a full self-improvement guide, you can also take a look at my Roadmap to Overman.

Book Notes

Cognitive biases

We have more than 150 of them, but here I will highlight the most important ones that you can use to your advantage. Those are:

• • Framing Effect: People respond differently to the same choice depending on how it is framed. Example: 10% raise. People place greater value on moving from 90% to 100% (probability to certainty) than from 45 to 55%.
  • Certainty Effect: People are drawn to sure things over probabilities, even when the probability is a better choice.
  • Loss Aversion: We are more likely to act to avert a loss than to achieve an equal gain.
  • Anchoring effect: 400$ iPhone seems much more affordable when compared to the reference price of 600$. That is why people always start their bidding at a higher price, in order to create an illusion of a better offer.

Basic principles of negotiation

Focus on the emotional, irrational, instinctive side of a person’s mind in order to develop your negotiating skills. It all starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted. Listening demonstrates empathy. The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need and get them feeling safe enough to talk and talk and talk some more about what they want. It begins with listening, making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin.

The following are some of the basic ideas you should implement into your negotiation:

• • Slow it down. If you’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard.
  • The voice. We should be using most of the time the positive/playful voice. The key is to relax and smile while you’re talking. You can also use the calming voice if you feel it is needed.
  • We copy each other to comfort each other. It can be done with speech patterns, body language, vocabulary, tempo, and tone of voice. The importance of mirroring can be understood from the fact that we fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar.
  • Repeat the last 3 words (or the critical 3 words) of what someone just said. Then leave a bit of silence in order for it to be effective
  • Labeling Validating someone’s emotion by acknowledging it.
    1. Spot the feelings.
    2. Turn them into words.
    3. Very calmly and respectfully repeat their emotions back to them.
    4. Let it sink. Don’t say “I’m hearing…” but “It sounds like”, “It seems like”, “It looks like”…

Before you convince them to see what you’re trying to accomplish, you have to say the things to them that will get them to say “That’s right”. This will rarely come at the beginning of a negotiation.

How to trigger “That’s right”:

• • Effective Pauses. Silence is powerful.
  • Minimal Encouragers. Besides silence, use Yes, Ok, Uh-huh or I see.
  • Give the feeling a name and identify how he felt.
    
  • Repeat in your own words to show you really understand.
  • Paraphrasing + labeling = summary. Listen and repeat the “world according to him”. The only possible response to a good summary is “That’s right”.

Getting to “that’s right” means you truly understand their dreams and feelings. Their world. It creates unconditional positive regard. Mental and behavioral change becomes possible.

One tool that you can use almost always is an open-ended question. Some of the points to remember about these types of questions are:

• • It buys you time, and gives your counterpart the illusion of control.
  • Ask them how would they solve my problems.
  • Make them negotiate with themselves.
  • It’s a passive-aggressive approach. Ask the same 3 or 4 open-ended questions over and over again. They get worn out answering and give you what you want.

When dealing with liars remember the following, Liars:

• • Use more words than truth tellers
  • Use far more third-person pronouns.
  • Tend to speak in more complex sentences in an attempt to win over their suspicious counterparts.
  • The number of words grows along with the lie. They are more worried about being believed, so they work harder at being believable.

Two rules of negotiation

1. The 7-38-55% rule

Of a message:

• • 7% is based on the words
  • 38% comes from the tone of voice
  • 55% from the speaker’s body language and face

This is why it’s always better to meet someone face to face even if what needs to be said can over the phone. When someone’s tone of voice or body language doesn’t align with the meaning, use labels to discover the source of the incongruence. “I heard you say “Yes”, but it seemed like there was hesitation in your voice.”

2. The rule of three

Get the other guy to agree to the same thing 3 times in the same conversation because it’s really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction. How to avoid sounding like a broken record:

• • First time they agree.
  • Label or summarize until they say “That’s right”.
  • Calibrated “How” or “What” questions about implementation (Examples: How am I supposed to do that, What is your biggest obstacle,…)

Ackerman’s model of bargaining

1. 1. Set your target price (your goal)
   2. Set your first offer at 65% decreasing your target price.
   3. Calculate 3 raises of decreasing increment (to 85, 95 and 100%).
   4. Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying “no” to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer.
   5. When calculating the final amount, use precise, non-round numbers. It gives the number credibility and weight.
   6. On your final number, throw in a nonmonetary item (that they probably don’t want) to show you’re at your limit.

This juices their self-esteem. People getting concessions often feel better than those who are given a single firm “fair” offer. Even when they end up paying more.