How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

“Three-fourths of the people you will meet are hungering for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you.”

In his bestselling book, Dale Carnegie gives us fundamental techniques in handling people. He shares with us different strategies on how to persuade others, change them without giving offense, make them like being around us and so much more. If there was to be a manual on social skills, this book would be it.

Communication is truly the foundation for building strong, loving and meaningful relationships, and this book helps us not only become better speakers, but also better and more compassionate listeners as well.

You should by all means read this book for yourself. Below, I have written out my book notes, but I couldn’t cover hundreds of pages in just a couple of bullet points. That is why I highly encourage you to create your notes whilst going through the book, and for the time being use mine as a guide on what this book is about.

For more books check out Best Self-Improvement Books or Best Classic Books, and for a full self-improvement guide, you can also take a look at my Roadmap to Overman.

Book Notes

Part One Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

PRINCIPLE 1 Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

• • ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.
  • Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
  • an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.
  • When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion.
  • Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
  • Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism.

PRINCIPLE 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.

• • There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. And that is by making the other person want to do it.

PRINCIPLE 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.

• • Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire. First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walk a lonely way.
  • the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants.
  • I received a letter the next day, informing me that my rent would be increased only 50 percent instead of 300 percent. Mind you, I got this reduction without saying a word about what I wanted. I talked all the time about what the other person wanted and how he could get it.
  • The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.

Part Two Six Ways to Make People Like You

PRINCIPLE 1 Become genuinely interested in other people.

• • You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
  • I had made more headway in two hours by becoming genuinely interested in him and his problems than I could have made in ten years trying to get him interested in me and my product.
  • A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street—both parties benefit.

PRINCIPLE 2 Smile

• • Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.” An insincere grin? No. That doesn’t fool anybody. We know it is mechanical and we resent it. I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within.
  • The effect of a smile is powerful—even when it is unseen. Your “smile” comes through in your voice.
  • “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. “Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness is lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there. . . .”

PRINCIPLE 3 Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

• • Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it—and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.
  • the ability to remember names is almost as important in business and social contacts as it is in politics.
  • We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing . . . and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others.

PRINCIPLE 4 Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

• • That kept her talking for forty-five minutes. She never again asked me where I had been or what I had seen. She didn’t want to hear me talk about my travels. All she wanted was an interested listener, so she could expand her ego and tell about where she had been.
  • I had listened because I was genuinely interested. And he felt it. Naturally that pleased him. That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone.
  • People fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively.
  • Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.
  • So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
  • Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people.

PRINCIPLE 5 Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

• • Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested. For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
  • “Think of it! I had been drumming at that man for four years—trying to get his business—and I’d still be drumming at him if I hadn’t finally taken the trouble to find out what he was interested in, and what he enjoyed talking about.”

PRINCIPLE 6 Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely. Always make the other person feel important

• • The desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature
  • Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Part Three How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

PRINCIPLE 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

• • Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it. Why argue with him?
  • There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument—and that is to avoid it.
  • You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still.

PRINCIPLE 2 Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.” Over three hundred years ago Galileo said: You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.

• • Don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up.

PRINCIPLE 3 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

• • That policeman, being human, wanted a feeling of importance; so when I began to condemn myself, the only way he could nourish his self-esteem was to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy.
  • I admitted that he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong; I admitted it quickly, openly, and with enthusiasm. The affair terminated graciously in my taking his side and his taking my side.
  • My eagerness to criticize myself took all the fight out of him.

PRINCIPLE 4 Begin in a friendly way.

• • If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.
  • The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind;

PRINCIPLE 5 Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

• • In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing—and keep on emphasizing—the things on which you agree.
  • Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.” A “No” response, according to Professor Overstreet, is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said “No,” all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. You may later feel that the “No” was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to consider!

PRINCIPLE 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

PRINCIPLE 7 Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

PRINCIPLE 8 Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

PRINCIPLE 9 Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

• • So, because I had apologized and sympathized with her point of view, she began apologizing and sympathizing with my point of view.

PRINCIPLE 10 Appeal to the nobler motives

PRINCIPLE 11 Dramatize your ideas.

PRINCIPLE 12 Throw down a challenge.

• • The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.
  • That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.

Part Four Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

PRINCIPLE 1 Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

• • Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is painkilling. A leader will use . . .

PRINCIPLE 2 Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

• • “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.” In this case, Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word “but.” He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. This could be easily overcome by changing the word “but” to “and.” “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”

PRINCIPLE 3 Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

PRINCIPLE 4 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

PRINCIPLE 5 Let the other person save face.

PRINCIPLE 6 Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.

PRINCIPLE 7 Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

PRINCIPLE 8 Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

PRINCIPLE 9 Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.